I’ve composed letters to Santa Claus from a few familiar holiday characters. It’s never too late to believe. You are loved. Merry Christmas!
Dear Santa,
We are writing with hopes we can avoid attorney’s fees and arbitration. We appreciate the diverse work environment and the sensitivity training – especially for the Italians! If Johnny keeps checking out our collective backside, we’re gonna go Columbian on him.
Santa – Santa! We know you want us to get along and experience each other’s culture – but do we have to eat with the Greeks? I mean, who eats lamb? The baklava is OK but the sooflaki and the pooflaki and the moolaki? That’s just nasty. Nasty.
OK, about the housing. The Chinese girls have put a fat boy Buddha in the living room and there’s a gigantic goldfish in the jacuzzi. Really? Really? The statue can stay but the fish has GOT to go.
Alright. Can you do something about the noise? The Irish workers sit up every night and drink and play cards and then Bobby starts singing about 2 o’clock. Every night. And you should see the mess. We don’t know if they think we supposed to clean up after them just because we’re Latino – but we’re not.
Inga and the Norwegians don’t do nothing. Or anything. They flirt all the time and are you aware they sunbathe on the roof during lunch? In bikinis! Yes – the French guys are so busy watching them they don’t do nothing. Worthless.
The Canadians spend all day playing air hockey. The Samoans are trying to start a fight club with the reindeer. The Japanese won’t stop bowing. The British think every kid wants a tea set. (And they don’t.) And the Russians are scary. Nikita actually made Lola cry the other night.
Which brings us to the Americans. I don’t how to say this – but the Americans are the worst. That’s right. They show up late. They leave early. They’re loud. They’re messy. They think they’re better than everybody else. Will you please talk to them? And the TV is ALWAYS on an American show. Grey’s Anatomy or This Is Us or The Voice. It’s ridiculous.
So, Senor Claus, we try to get along, but we feel like we’re the only ones even trying. Please do something. And Feliz Navidad!
Gracias,
The Union of Little People of the North Pole
The Union of Latino Little People of the North Pole
Jeffrey Griffin 