I’ve composed letters to Santa Claus from a few familiar holiday characters. It’s never too late to believe. You are loved. Merry Christmas!
Dear Santa.
O Captain, our captain.
Master of the Arctic.
Lord of the Tundra.
Prince of Toyland.
Saint Nicholas.
Kris Kringle.
Santa…
As our contract expires December 27th, we’re writing to negotiate our benefits package for the 2021 calendar year.
Housing shall remain the same with common living, cooking, dining and recreational areas as well as private sleeping and bathing accommodations.
Annual salaries and the pre-determined longevity increases will be sufficient as long as our 401K retirement plans continue to receive a 6% employer match.
Major medical coverage should continue at no expense to the employee with optional riders available for vision, dental and catastrophic cancer coverage.
We request the continuance of access to an on-site psychotherapist, at no cost, for individual, family and group therapy sessions.
We encourage His Royal Ho-Ness to eliminate mandatory workouts with trainers in exchange for unlimited access to a 24-hour fitness facility and a climate-controlled aquatic center.
We are also asking for unlimited access to the corporate condominium in South Beach.
Regarding parade appearances – we respectfully request the elimination of all parade appearances with the exception of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, in exchange for a 25% discount on all Macy’s purchases.
It is our humble hope the patron saint of milk and cookies will agree to provide new laptops for every reindeer, including those in the Flight Apprenticeship Program.
In addition to the laptops, we are submitting requisition forms for iPads, iPhone 12’s and the Beats By Dr. Dre headphones.
We anticipate the requisition forms will be approved and signed without delay.
We also believe the Reindeer Arm of the North Pole Collaboration for Holiday Festivities merits a marketing manager.
This position will be responsible for streamlining social media interaction including Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, YouTube and Instagram as well as our personal blog and web sites.
We wish to dismantle the Reindeer University football program as, due to lack of competition, we were forced to schedule games against the Banana Slugs, the Fighting Pickles and Notre Dame. Enough said.
And one final issue to be resolved – we respectfully request that all practice runs over the southern United States be canceled until Duck Dynasty is no longer in syndication as several team members sustained buckshot injuries requiring extensive physical therapy and narcotics.
And Twinkies. We want Twinkies.
Respectfully,
The Reindeer of the North Pole
Jeffrey Griffin 