Author: Jeffrey

I’ve composed letters to Santa Claus from a few familiar holiday characters. It’s never too late to believe. You are loved. Merry Christmas!

Dear Santa,

Hope this letter finds you well! Life is… busy. I’ve not written in some time and I wish I had a good reason. I don’t. 

I graduated, completed my residency, worked a couple years with Doctors Without Borders. That was good.

I got married. You probably know that. Her name is Kathy. We’re expecting our first child – in February.

We moved to Boston and I work at the Children’s Hospital. Boston’s a lot like home. 

We don’t get back often. That’s why I’m writing. My dad. Well, it doesn’t feel like Christmas. My dad died this year. You know – he got the company when Uncle Scrooge passed away.

He was working. I was working. He and mom were supposed to come for the baby and now… I don’t know. 

I asked my mother to move here but she’s got friends.  She’s got a life. And my sister bought a house close to home. 

I miss my daddy. I don’t know what I’m doing. Everybody’s got lights and trees and – I mean, they play carols at work. But I don’t feel any of it. I don’t feel anything. 

We go to parties and I sit in the corner. We go shopping and I don’t see one thing I have to have.

I save sick kids every day. I used to feel called. Now, I feel unneeded. 

My dad and I used to go shopping with my sister every Christmas Eve. We’d walk the streets and I’d sit on his shoulders. We called it “walking with Bob.” That was funny. He would buy wine. We’d find the perfect turkey. And we’d stand in front of the toy store for hours. And church. 

What am I supposed to do Christmas Eve? We don’t walk. Anywhere. I belong to a wine club so it just… arrives. Every month. Toys R Us went out of business. They didn’t t have windows anyway – so there’s that.  

I don’t need toys. Our child doesn’t need toys – my mother has seen to that. 

I guess I need to believe. In something. In Christmas. In you. I know you’re busy. I know you probably don’t “do” adults. I don’t know if you really exist. 

But I know this – when we had nothing, we really had everything – and you were there. Now I have everything, and it feels like nothing – and maybe you’re still there. 

Maybe. I miss you. I miss my daddy. I need Christmas. I need you.

Much love,

Timothy Cratchit, M.D.

I’ve composed letters to Santa Claus from a few familiar holiday characters. It’s never too late to believe. You are loved. Merry Christmas!

Dear Santa,

We are writing with hopes we can avoid attorney’s fees and arbitration. We appreciate the diverse work environment and the sensitivity training – especially for the Italians!  If Johnny keeps checking out our collective backside, we’re gonna go Columbian on him.

Santa – Santa!  We know you want us to get along and experience each other’s culture – but do we have to eat with the Greeks? I mean, who eats lamb? The baklava is OK but the sooflaki and the pooflaki and the moolaki?  That’s just nasty. Nasty.

OK, about the housing. The Chinese girls have put a fat boy Buddha in the living room and there’s a gigantic goldfish in the jacuzzi. Really? Really? The statue can stay but the fish has GOT to go.

Alright. Can you do something about the noise? The Irish workers sit up every night and drink and play cards and then Bobby starts singing about 2 o’clock. Every night.  And you should see the mess. We don’t know if they think we supposed to clean up after them just because we’re Latino – but we’re not.

Inga and the Norwegians don’t do nothing. Or anything.  They flirt all the time and are you aware they sunbathe on the roof during lunch?  In bikinis! Yes – the French guys are so busy watching them they don’t do nothing.  Worthless.

The Canadians spend all day playing air hockey. The Samoans are trying to start a fight club with the reindeer.  The Japanese won’t stop bowing. The British think every kid wants a tea set. (And they don’t.) And the Russians are scary.  Nikita actually made Lola cry the other night.

Which brings us to the Americans.  I don’t how to say this – but the Americans are the worst. That’s right. They show up late. They leave early. They’re loud. They’re messy. They think they’re better than everybody else. Will you please talk to them? And the TV is ALWAYS on an American show. Grey’s Anatomy or This Is Us or The Voice. It’s ridiculous.

So, Senor Claus, we try to get along, but we feel like we’re the only ones even trying. Please do something. And Feliz Navidad!

Gracias,

The Union of Little People of the North Pole

The Union of Latino Little People of the North Pole

I’ve composed letters to Santa Claus from a few familiar holiday characters. It’s never too late to believe. You are loved. Merry Christmas!

Dear Santa. 

O Captain, our captain. 

Master of the Arctic. 

Lord of the Tundra. 

Prince of Toyland. 

Saint Nicholas. 

Kris Kringle. 

Santa…

As our contract expires December 27^th, we’re writing to negotiate our benefits package for the 2021 calendar year. 

Housing shall remain the same with common living, cooking, dining and recreational areas as well as private sleeping and bathing accommodations.

Annual salaries and the pre-determined longevity increases will be sufficient as long as our 401K retirement plans continue to receive a 6% employer match. 

Major medical coverage should continue at no expense to the employee with optional riders available for vision, dental and catastrophic cancer coverage.

We request the continuance of access to an on-site psychotherapist, at no cost, for individual, family and group therapy sessions. 

We encourage His Royal Ho-Ness to eliminate mandatory workouts with trainers in exchange for unlimited access to a 24-hour fitness facility and a climate-controlled aquatic center. 

We are also asking for unlimited access to the corporate condominium in South Beach.

Regarding parade appearances – we respectfully request the elimination of all parade appearances with the exception of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, in exchange for a 25% discount on all Macy’s purchases.

It is our humble hope the patron saint of milk and cookies will agree to provide new laptops for every reindeer, including those in the Flight Apprenticeship Program. 

In addition to the laptops, we are submitting requisition forms for iPads, iPhone 12’s and the Beats By Dr. Dre headphones. 

We anticipate the requisition forms will be approved and signed without delay. 

We also believe the Reindeer Arm of the North Pole Collaboration for Holiday Festivities merits a marketing manager. 

This position will be responsible for streamlining social media interaction including Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, YouTube and Instagram as well as our personal blog and web sites. 

We wish to dismantle the Reindeer University football program as, due to lack of competition, we were forced to schedule games against the Banana Slugs, the Fighting Pickles and Notre Dame.  Enough said. 

And one final issue to be resolved – we respectfully request that all practice runs over the southern United States be canceled until Duck Dynasty is no longer in syndication as several team members sustained buckshot injuries requiring extensive physical therapy and narcotics. 

And Twinkies.  We want Twinkies.

Respectfully,

The Reindeer of the North Pole

I’ve composed letters to Santa Claus from a few familiar holiday characters. It’s never too late to believe. You are loved. Merry Christmas!

Dear Santa,

I can only say to the man so fat,

I wish I had a baseball bat!

To swing and break and stain and tear,

Each painted and padded, red work chair.

Everyone thinks you’re oh so nice,

Not knowing your snowballs are made with ice!

How can you, how dare you – bring so much joy?

With one little ball or a doll or toy?

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you – it’s true.

I hate you so much, I’ve turned green and not blue!

Why do you fly all over the place?

I wish a penguin would land on your face.

You go to the mall and talk with the kids,

I bet your underwear has lots of skids!

Even your reindeer are stupid and dumb,

I hope their leashes break both of your thumbs.

You’re kind to the young and sweet to the old,

You promise and lie!  Or so I’ve been told.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you – and such.

You can’t possibly know how I hate you so much!

Frosty the Snowman’s your personal pal,

I hope he melts and the sun’s out now!

Your wife’s so mean and she looks like a witch,

Let’s cut to the chase – she a first class – Oh, never mind!

I hate Christmas.  I hate snow.

I especially hate your “Ho ho ho!”

I hate presents, I hate bows,

I hate eggnog when it gets on my nose.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you – I do.

I don’t want you to wonder – I hate you!

Hatingly,

The Grinch

I’ve composed letters to Santa Claus from a few familiar holiday characters. It’s never too late to believe. You are loved. Merry Christmas!

Dear, dear Santa,

My old friend – we must get together soon! I have news, my good man. I have news! 

You surely recall dear, sweet George Bailey from New York? I am delighted to report, George has joined me.  That’s right.  George is in Heaven.  AS2, of course. You remember I was an AS2 until George gave up. That was a glorious night – I got my wings! Been flying ever since! 

We love to talk about the night Bedford Falls prayed…  Old Man Potter hoping George would land in jail and everybody else hoping he wouldn’t.

Even you!  Prayers were floating in and all of a sudden the red phone lit up.  Kris Kringle asking the Creator almighty to help George Bailey.  I’ll never forget that. 

Anyway – George is here.  Such a feast, such a feast!  Mary’s been here. And George’s parents. Uncle Billy too. Bert and Ernie. Oh me. His little brother Harry.  Sam Wainwright (Hee-Haw). Even Potter got in. (Between you and me – I’ll never know how that happened!) 

As for me, I’ve been promoted! I lead my own brigade of Angels, First Class. We’re in training now. Our team name is Oddbody’s Godbodies. Can’t wait for our first assignment! 

But enough about me. If you can, I know George’s children are upset and I’m hopeful you can do something. 

Tommy is President of the Building and Loan and Janie is the CEO. Peter is a Congressman! And Zuzu – precious Zuzu, is married with five babies.  Five!  They certainly could a use a visit from you! 

You remember…  every time a bell rings, an angel gets their wings. Perhaps you could jingle jangle a bit more than usual and they’ll know their father just got his. Just a thought. 

Your friend,

Clarence Oddbody